Welcome to my Head

I have a headache. I didn’t sleep too well last night. Those things are unrelated.

I need to get out whatever is happening inside my head. I don’t necessarily want people to read this, but I do like the thought that someone is hearing me, whether they care or not. I think I have come a long way from caring what people know about me and what goes on in my brain. And by coming a long way, I mean that I just don’t care anymore. Surprisingly, I have gotten positive feedback for that.

So, enter my head. Welcome. It is sometimes funny in here, but sometimes sad. Believe it or not, it is also sometimes pleasant. I am aware that a whole lot is pretty irrational, so don’t worry about my mental status.

I’ve been thinking too much. Thinking generally makes me sad. I like to (not really) go into an immediate downward spiral when I think about most things. I’m cursed with pessimism. Or I’m just super dramatic. I usually need someone to tell me that I’m looking into things too much, or I’m getting way ahead of myself, or I am, in fact, being dramatic. LIFE IS A TRAGEDY. I’m kidding. Now that’s being dramatic. I wish I knew a synonym to put in the place of “being dramatic” or just the word “dramatic.” I’ve always had poor vocabulary… I know I could look at a thesaurus, but where’s the fun in acting like I’m an intellect. Lately I have been so gosh darn chipper during the day with this beautiful weather, but once night comes, or once it’s time to go to bed, I begin to think about the doom that lays ahead of me. Or I just worry. I use words like “doom” to show my true devotion to pecimissm.

So sometimes I worry about common things like if I will ever get a job in social work, if I ever want to get a job in social work, if I actually do want to work ever, and if I will be able to pay my student loans. I’m being facetious about never wanting to work, because I truly want to help people. But, you know, I sometimes contemplate whether or not I like people in the first place. Only sometimes. Other times, more often than not, I worry about not staying connected with people. I don’t really feel the need to talk to my loved ones all the time, mainly because I know that nothing changes between us when we do talk or see each other after a while. This doesn’t mean I don’t want to talk to them all the time. I’m just not as good at keeping in touch as I would like to be. What saddens me is the thought that I will always have to make this effort to stay in touch with people, instead of them being in my everyday life. It’s not the effort I am afraid of, but it’s the fact that I know there is a strong possibility that they will never be a part of my norm again. I know I shouldn’t use words like “never” or “always,” because those are too big for my soul to wrap around without having anxiety. But it is a possibility. This isn’t me worrying about how I will feel when somebody I love is going to die, even though they are perfectly healthy right now. I believe this is more rational than that.

Before I moved to Japan, I had the mindset that I will be away from home for four years, and I will return after that. But I’m realizing that that’s probably not going to happen. If Dan and I decide that he should stay in the Air Force because of good benefits, eventually better opportunities for the both of us, etc. we will not be living in the Rockland/Bergen county area. We would at least be in the United States, but on whatever base we are put. So I can always visit friends and family, but in my mind at the moment, that’s not good enough. I always panic when I realize things are veering off the path/plan that I have put my mind to.

I didn’t have many friends in high school or college, but as I think about all of the people I miss now, it’s actually a lot. There are a lot of people I love and that I was perfectly happy seeing all the time. Thoughts of not being able to text Jimmy whenever and ask him if he wants to hang out, or go to the diner as a fallback when no one can decide where they want to eat, or playing silly games and doing trivia night with everyone, or walking around Nyack with Linda, or simply trying to explain to Pinar that her dogs are dumb…  I don’t want those things to go away. I don’t have them right now, but I thought I would come back to that a few years from now. Thinking about the very possible fact that I will never be as close to these people as I have been, both physically and emotionally, actually brings me to tears. I don’t want to lose those things that used to be my life. I’m not really afraid of losing the people because I think I have strong bonds with them, but it could even come to that eventually. That scares me.

There is so much opportunity in other places, and I will meet more people, as I have here, but I get attached. I even feel somewhat attached to the friends I have made here, and I don’t like to think about not seeing them when they leave. Now that the weather is nice, and though I have seen very little, I am beginning to love this country, and I know that in the future I will reminisce about living here. To reminisce about experiences is nice, but to reminisce about people is not something I want to do. I know that change is a part of life, but it gives me a lot of anxiety. It’s never ending. I will meet more and more people that I feel this way about. I guess you can say that’s a beautiful thing, and to experience different people places and things, is a wonderful thing about life, but I don’t feel that way right now. Perhaps I can keep telling myself that to feel better? It’s difficult to act positive when you feel so negative. Fake it ’til you make it I guess.

I am really excited about exploring Japan and traveling and seeing different parts of the U.S.  I just really don’t want to move on. I love everyone I love. Don’t give me anymore. I don’t want them. I just want the people I already have.

I know I’m going to feel fine by tomorrow. That doesn’t take away from what I feel today though. People say that feelings aren’t facts. I’m not even positive what that means. It’s a fact that I feel deeply about this. It could also be a fact that I am taking life too seriously. But what does that even mean? I know what it means, just not all the time.

This is my mind. This is what it does. I wish I can be more positive and make others feel good, but that’s just not happening today.  I’m not like this all the time. For those of you who don’t really know me, I can be a lot of fun. Just not usually when I’m alone. Watch, Dan will come home and I’ll feel completely ok. I just realized what “feelings aren’t facts” means. I may feel a certain way, and it may be sincere, but I won’t always feel that way, and those feelings do not dictate my life. THIS is why I share. To hopefully make things more clear to me.

Thanks for reading. In a few days I will write about some nice adventures I had recently, to make up for this.

Have a Kumo picture. His face usually makes me feel better. 

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